Back and Badder than Ever

Certain things annoy or bug me in movies that make no real sense. I can follow a plot line to a certain point then the story crosses some logical line where I can no longer believe it. I believe my problem started after watching the third Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. During the series I watched the Turtles with joy and loved there action packed and hilarious shenanigans. But there is a key part of the plot in the third movie that I can not, for some reason, be able to accept.

Now I can wrap my mind around the idea that four turtles and a rat fell into some "green ooze" and somehow mutated into larger more intelligent creatures. As any child who grew up in the 90s and watched cartoons on TV can tell you any green ooze that has traces of radioactivity can really f you up. You can either receive awesome super powers and become a hero (Daredevil) or be totally screwed and turn into some nasty creature that will die in a couple of episodes (Clayface in Batman). So the idea that 4 pet turtles and some sewer rat mutated really did not concern me.

Even the fact that for some reason the turtles not only were bigger and stronger but also aged in human years showing adolescence like characteristics of your average high school students did not upset me. This can be seen with Raphael being the emo teen, Michelangelo the more toolish partier, Leonardo is the teachers pet, and Donatello as the nerd and all four having a love of pizza.

I can also accept the fact that a sewer rat was kept as a pet and somehow learned karate from his master while kept in a bird cage.

I mean I can even bring myself to believe that after fighting Shredder and defeating his enlarged army in movie TMNT II that the Turtles spontaneously started singing with perfect coordination and dance moves. I know my friends and I often practice many dances and songs so that any time something great happens we can randomly sing and dance to express our joy. It is a beautiful thing.

But in the third movie the slim grasp I had of any realism in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was deeply shaken. According to the tale April goes thrifting and buys from some flea market an ancient scepter. Now this scepter, it is later revealed, has been around since 1603 and though it had probably had 100s of owners and ended up at a New York pawn shop it didn't work for anyone and let them travel back in time. But when "magical" Apirl touches it the thing begins to work? Come on. Apirl is not that special, as seen in the fact that she ALWAYS NEEDS TO BE RESCUED. Word to the Turtles: stop hanging out with Apirl, all she does is cause problems. Its like hanging out with Nancy Drew or the lady from Murder She Wrote, you know something is going to get stolen or someone is going to be killed if they are around.

So of course the Turtles go back in time to save Apirl's dumbass by using the scepter.

I Mean come on. Not only do the turtles somehow travel back in time to save some ancient kingdom just in the knick of time but they somehow also travel back to the present.

In conclusion I feel that my sense of reality may have been completely shattered because of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. I believe that in my young developmental years this film threw out so many non-logical plot lines that my brain finally could not take it.

So now I can't view any film without reaching a certain point where the plot becomes too outrageous and I check out. So thank you TMNT III for causing me to not accept blindly story lines and be entertained but to over analysis ever detail bringing me near the edge of madness.

Hair cuts

I think every person on this planet we call "earth" (though I sometimes call it Gaia) has had a bad haircut, but I seem to be the only person though who has them at least once a year.

I do not spend much time or money on my curly locks, so maybe this is my own fault. I have only paid at most $10 for a haircut and buy generic Wal-Mart shampoo. (side note: who thought of the word shampoo? the word poo is right there in the name. I mean I would never try to sell something that has poo in it.) (side side-note: how is Tom Raper RV in business? this is the website:http://www.tomraper.com/ I mean who would not change their name to start a business? If my name was "Murder" I would not become a doctor) I never really comb my hair, unless I am combing it over to look cool. And I have never put any "product" in my hair since the 8th grade. The ladies loved my hair back then.

With that being said can I please have one good haircut? Is that too much to ask? Recently I noticed my hair had gotten too long. I know my hair is too long when it bushes out on the back and sides and if I comb it down it looks like a mullet. Another way to tell is if it takes 3 hours to dry and if people start avoiding you. I pondered for several days on how I would make my next move. I could buzz it all off and start fresh, a bold move that makes you look like a holocaust victim for several weeks and takes months to become curly again, I could pay $10 (or 74.07% of a case of beer) for a professional haircut, or I could go to a charity event on campus that was raising money for some event and pay $5.

I decided to go with the charity because it is just in my nature. I might be the most charitable person I know. I give hundreds of hours of my time and dozens of my dollars every year to help the poorest person I know, usually that person is me. So the obvious choice was for me to help out and get my haircut for charity.

When I went to get the beast cut (I sometime refer to my hair in such a way) my options were limited. I could wait and have a certain female, lets call her Mandy, cut my hair or have another female, lets call her Sandy, cut (or tame) it. I had heard that Mandy was very good and high recommended, but she was already cutting someones and I could not wait, I was late for work. So I decided to settle for Sandy.

Sandy was a nice person who told me she had gotten a haircutting licence in Guatemala. This is no joke. So I had some confidence going in. I zoned out for the next 10 min thinking of all the bad haircutting incidents that had occurred over the years. There was the time when my mother, who cut my hair from 6th grade to Sophomore year in college and who may have been responsible for my low social ranking at school, was cutting my locks when she said the famous words "Oops." She had somehow slipped with the buzzers and had cut all but approximately 2 millimeters of hair in the back of my head. I still to this day think it was a plot to somehow keep her son away from the hundreds of females pursuing him that year. My hair had to be evened out and I was called Anne Frank for a month.

As the final hairs fell to the ground my "professional" hair cutter showed me a mirror and I learned why no one trusts "doctors" from South America. Sandy, in the nicest way possible, had given me a massive bowl cut. I did not panic knowing that sometimes some water and luck can heal all. I ran out (after giving a generous donation) and flew to my house.

After several minutes dunking my head in water and shaping my hair in various ways I soon saw that the damage was too much. I quickly checked my hat stock and realized I only had 3. This would be a long couple of weeks until my furry head would heal.

So I guess the moral of this story is this, even though hair is just a bunch of dead cells on your body it can still ruin your last month of college, so NEVER do any charity events. There I said it. Judge me on my words, but please leave the hair out of it.

Meetings are Boring

This is a little nugget of truth that we can all agree on.

English grammer- holding America back

Many people tell me "Max I love you're amazing use and handling of the English language in both speech and written prose." Well my reponse to them is always the same. Why must we as a society still follow the ancient and crappy confines of grammer in both speech and writing? Why can't we deciede on what and where, to put a comma? Let us free ourselfs from this yolk that we must bear!!!!

In 1776 we started a revolution to cleanse are great nation of the evils of Britain/England/the UK (I am not sure how they want to be addressed). And when we finally kicked there asses of American soil everyone thought that we would know longer have to be tainted by them. Alas we still are held hostage by the most powerful force off all, English grammar.

There was a movement in the early 1900s that was pushed along by the Simplified Spelling Board. The main goal was to Americanize certain words. Thus we added a z to realize and switching around the e in theater. This movement was supported by Teddy Roosevelt and because of it I can use more x's (which is one of the coolest letters) and can spell words easier.

I call on President Obama to do the same thing and form a new board to change our language to the betterment of mankind. It has been 100 years since these changes we're made and I think we can all agree that certain words and grammar can be changed. The main thing that this new board could do would be legalize the amazing grammar of the Internet. I could say u guyz goin to the game rite? and everything would be good. That alone could save millions of dollars
somehow.

Now I know that grammar-nazis will be having a fit when if this were to occur but I just want American English to sore above all languages and too do this a simpler, leaner, and easier version is needed.

Lastly lets drop the English part of American-English, from now on I speak American.
So I end by saying, c u nxt weak cant wait 4 it!!!!!

Lebron and my unhealthy relationship

A bromance, a man crush, a "unhealthy relationship," a creepy obsession, blind loyalty, these are some the terms used to describe my love of a Mr. Lebron Raymone James. 

Lebron has given me more joy, yet has caused me more pain, then any person currently alive. I have followed every game and action of his since I was taken to his freshman high school game with my dad. It was a magical time with StV winning the State championship that year and from then on I was hooked. 

There were the exciting moments in high school: Lebron appearing on SI's cover, the media trucks and reports always outside the school, Shaq coming to one of the games, but the greatest moment came  on a cool fall day. I was wandering the halls with my polo shirt and backpack half empty, an innocent freshman whose life was about to change. I was waiting for my sister to come out of some meeting and it was 10 min after school had let out. As I rounded the corner there Lebron and several other members of the basketball team were, standing against that famous wall with all the flyers on it. I calmly tried to walk past but was spotted. Lebron pointed at me then picked me up. (At the time my height was around 4'11" weighing maybe 105 when wet.) He placed me ever so gently on the top of a locker so that I was eye level with me and said "Man you are really short," almost wetting my pants (in a manly way) I replied "You are really tall." It was like we were old friends busting chops and laughing the night away. One of the football players who knew my sister yelled "Hey put that kid down he's cool." The party was over and I was put down on the ground. Lebron joked "Don't sue me or anything" and I replied "My dad is a lawyer." He laughed with his friends and we parted ways. 

During the brief exchange a spark lite inside of me, the gayest straight friendship of my life had begun. 

Superbowl: Painfully Awesome

I am having a horrible inner conflict as the time gets closer to kickoff for this year Superbowl. One of the teams that I hate most in my life, a team whose stadium I would gladly burn to the ground, a team who has kicked around my beloved Browns and who has shown no respect, the disgusting Pittsburgh Steelers are in the Superbowl.

Now as an American male I am legally obligated to watch the Superbowl. Few things in the world give one this much pleasure. The beer and food alone are amazing but add in the commercials (though I do NOT watch the game for the commercials) the excitement within the actual game itself, with its highs and lows, and you have yourself a dream day.Last years Superbowl is a good example of an amazing game. The underdog won, my Cousin Vinny's was delicious, and a outstanding 4th quarter that caused me to be on the edge of my seat the whole time.

But this year horrible events have transpired that causes the Superbowl to be tainted. The Stillers (this is how uneducated mountain folk, or Steelers fans, pronounce it) are playing. Now hopefully events will unfold as they did last year when the hated Patriots were defeated and all was right with the world. But if for some evil and godless reason the Steelers win, I may be effected emotionally, physically, and spiritually in a negative way.

So as I munch on some amazing food, watch some quality commercials, drink delicious Natural Lights, I will be praying the whole time for something horrible to happen to the Steelers that causes them to loose, because as a Cleveland fan that's all I can do come Superbowl time and I do it so well.

Fan Mail Response: Places to Eat

In my line of work I get literally millions of emails everyday. So I usually have one of my assistants read through a couple and pick out one question a fan has asked in which to answer. Today little Nate K. is the lucky winner, his questions is "Hi I am a huge fan of yours and really excited to talk to you and hear your expert opinion. What is a great sit down restaurant where I can both eat good and healthy food?" 

Well Nate first thanks for your question, I would not make a living if it weren't for devoted fans like yourself. But to answer your question when I go out to eat I spare no expense. My top three choices have got to be Burger King, McDonald's, and Wendy's. These three places offer quality food at unbeatable prices. 

Now many may say "Hey these are all so great so how do I decide which one?" Well that is true but don't just flip a coin yet. There is a simple rule I use in determining what restaurant to go to. 

The rule is this: McDonald's for breakfast, Burger King for lunch, and Wendy's for Dinner

Now don't get to excited there is a method behind this madness. McDonald's has one of the best breakfast menus out there. The sausage egg McMuffin is unreal, I mean all other breakfast sandwiches are basically trying to copy the amazing taste of this fabulous breakfast treat. And if the McMuffin ever gets old then there is always the yummy McDonald's hotcakes. I loved these growing up (years and years ago) and still do to this day. 

Next is BK. Now I love some of Burger King's meals especially the new combos they are rolling out (the Angry Whopper is very tasty), but the dollar menu is why they are a no brainer for lunch. 10 items for under a dollar. The two I always get our the Spicy chicken sandwich and the Whopper Jr. Now for under 5 dollars you can buy a Spicy Chicken, Whopper Jr, a drink, and fries. Talk about some value.

Finally there is dinner. I like Wendy's in this category I feel there fries are even better then McDs or BK (though it is a tight race), and their meals are a great buy. Add in the fact that they have square cheeseburgers and to me higher quality food and Wendy's reigns as number one dinner stop.  

Now I realize that if you are craving a Angry Whopper or a Big Mac things can be moved around, but this simple rule never hurts.

So thank you Nate K. and all the fans out there, I hope this post helped you along life's journey. And I realize that this blog covers so hard hitting stuff (a lot of Taco Bell fans will be sending me emails, though I do agree you can't go wrong with a late night taco) but I am just trying to help people out and make the world a little better.